Why do people marry or have de-facto relationship?

heisenberg

Earl Grey
There is an awful number of people go through divorce proceedings and end up costing 100s of thousands of dollars in legal fees, yet people don't learn and end up entering into a legally binding contract that's out there to screw them in the ass so why do people continue to marry?

What's even more puzzling is that people who end up liking each other, and then all of a sudden, end up hating each other. Why do we have this obsession that we need to marry, or find a partner? To me it just seems like another extra liability and stress to an already stressful life.
 

Overmind One

GateFans Gatemaster
Staff member
There is an awful number of people go through divorce proceedings and end up costing 100s of thousands of dollars in legal fees, yet people don't learn and end up entering into a legally binding contract that's out there to screw them in the ass so why do people continue to marry?

What's even more puzzling is that people who end up liking each other, and then all of a sudden, end up hating each other. Why do we have this obsession that we need to marry, or find a partner? To me it just seems like another extra liability and stress to an already stressful life.

BINGO. Its probably my best reason for never doing it. People can be together in a committed relationship and not be married. It is all social (and some legal). I have nothing against it for others though.
 

shavedape

Well Known GateFan
Why do people have defacto relationships? Because mating is hard wired into our DNA. Sure humans could reproduce and then go their separate ways but chances for survival are better if supportive relationships are formed to protect the species.

Of course your question is asked thru the lense of modern life. The basics of survival -- food and shelter -- are not even considerations anymore within the developed western world. So basically we now have the luxury of focusing on things that have little to do with survival.

But for what it's worth, you're correct in that people should be smarter when it comes to relationship choices. Sure there's the biological "pull" to be with someone (for most people) but that doesn't mean we can't be smart about who we end up with.
 

Gatefan1976

Well Known GateFan
There is an awful number of people go through divorce proceedings and end up costing 100s of thousands of dollars in legal fees, yet people don't learn and end up entering into a legally binding contract that's out there to screw them in the ass so why do people continue to marry?
Umm.................
It's not out there to screw them in the ass, that's the job of divorce lawyers.
One is not the same as the other.
What's even more puzzling is that people who end up liking each other, and then all of a sudden, end up hating each other. Why do we have this obsession that we need to marry, or find a partner? To me it just seems like another extra liability and stress to an already stressful life.
It's one thing to hook up with your partner, have fun and then go your separate ways for a small while and see your friends etc, it's another thing to was their dirty undies day in and day out and live with your different "habits".

If you are planning on having kids though, having 2 parents of some description is a good idea, simply because it is easier on both of the people involved, and better for the kid to get differing opionons from two people.
 

Overmind One

GateFans Gatemaster
Staff member
Umm.................
It's not out there to screw them in the ass, that's the job of divorce lawyers.
One is not the same as the other.

It's one thing to hook up with your partner, have fun and then go your separate ways for a small while and see your friends etc, it's another thing to was their dirty undies day in and day out and live with your different "habits".

If you are planning on having kids though, having 2 parents of some description is a good idea, simply because it is easier on both of the people involved, and better for the kid to get differing opionons from two people.

Indeed...children changes everything. I think THAT reason alone is a great reason for marriage. I am fortunate that I had both my parents whilst growing up. I am certain I would be a different person if I had not. However, the same relationship can exist without marriage. I believe that adult leadership needs to come from a mand and a woman (or a few). Even gay couples need to have a close family friend of the opposite sex in their lives (and their children's lives) to achieve balance. A masculine female is still not a man and can never be a man or think like a man. Same with an effeminate male. He is not a female and cannot think like a female. But each same sex couple can have a trusted friend of the opposite sex, or even a relative like a sister or mother or aunt or uncle, brother, father. Yep, children makes a great reason to be married or in a "de facto" relationship.
 

heisenberg

Earl Grey
Umm.................
It's not out there to screw them in the ass, that's the job of divorce lawyers.
One is not the same as the other.
Well it is. Look at how much divorce costs people? How much it costs to go court because of it? The fact that nearly half of all marriages fail as shown by Azaliarazor, in the western world ,should give you an indication that marriage is a gigantic waste of time and a waste of money.

It's one thing to hook up with your partner, have fun and then go your separate ways for a small while and see your friends etc, it's another thing to was their dirty undies day in and day out and live with your different "habits".

If you are planning on having kids though, having 2 parents of some description is a good idea, simply because it is easier on both of the people involved, and better for the kid to get differing opionons from two people.
I like to see life like an accounting equation. For those who don't know the accounting equation is. It's Assets = Liabilities + owner's equity. Your assets should be high and liabilities should be as low as possible but your owner's equity should be high. I honestly see having kids a liability/burden and same thing with getting a partner. I am not here to tell people how they should live their lives, but logically speaking, there is really no real point to reproducing and getting a partner.
 

heisenberg

Earl Grey
Divorce rates vary by country a ton.

Marriage is something we both believe in and wanted. For us it is like a reward at the end of a long road. :fredflinstone::wilma::love_heart:
Most of the high rates are in the western countries and the low rates are in countries where women are not being allowed to choose their partners.
 
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Quetesh

Well Known GateFan
Procreation is needed for the continuance of the human race, so there is that. Now, I will also say, I love being a mother. Most parents do. Most children are planned and hoped for. I also cannot explain how amazing it is to raise a child. If you have not had the pleasure than I would say you can't really know. No, pets are not even close, and I adore mine. I knew people in their 20s that all swore they would never marry. They are all married now. Some few don't ever want to but for many, you meet "the one" and not wanting a life partner dies. People with spouses alive live longer. If you go to an old folks home you will still see many widows and widowers in relationships. My mother said a part of her died when she lost her husband.

In life while young, it is about money and material stuff, the older you get the more family life matters more. I would totally choose poor with a loving person to wake up to, to laugh with, to cry with, and to go to sleep with, than be rich. I went to hell and back to be with mine.

NL has a low divorce rate. NL loves their cash too, but they do WAIT much longer before tying the knot. In USA we marry too quick and so many times it was a wrong pick. Also religion has a play in this. My cousins are very devout. All 4 of 4 met their spouses in high school. All married still with at least 3 kids each. Divorce was not as easily accepted in their rough times so they pushed through. My non devout friends have divorced ( I did too but I do think abuse is an exception) and some of them regret their divorces. Really divorce did not cost me much in any cash way, so money is not always a factor.

UK is not much better than USA, marriages are a dime a dozen and just like the day after pill makes stopping procreation like getting a Big Mac so has the age of online divorce lawyers. I never even met mine. I don't think anything is wrong with marriage but there is with it being done not as a true "till death do you part", but instead "till I feel like it".
 

Gatefan1976

Well Known GateFan
Well it is. Look at how much divorce costs people? How much it costs to go court because of it? The fact that nearly half of all marriages fail as shown by Azaliarazor, in the western world ,should give you an indication that marriage is a gigantic waste of time and a waste of money.
Well, no it isn't, and I really don't care how much uninformed bullshit you want to come up with.
The cost involved by both parties is the lawyers, lawyers the parties involved employ because they can't just kill each other, because that is socially bad.
Both parties can settle out of court, they can come to an amicable arrangement, but the desire to -hurt- the other person often trumps that, and really, I don't give a shit that it cost you thousands to get your rage monster on, you are just a stupid twit falling for the same con that makes lawyers rich.
I like to see life like an accounting equation. For those who don't know the accounting equation is. It's Assets = Liabilities + owner's equity. Your assets should be high and liabilities should be as low as possible but your owner's equity should be high. I honestly see having kids a liability/burden and same thing with getting a partner. I am not here to tell people how they should live their lives, but logically speaking, there is really no real point to reproducing and getting a partner.
You got dumped, didn't you? :lol:
I'm not here to tell you, you are a moron.
But...................
 

heisenberg

Earl Grey
Well, no it isn't, and I really don't care how much uninformed bullshit you want to come up with.
The cost involved by both parties is the lawyers, lawyers the parties involved employ because they can't just kill each other, because that is socially bad.
Both parties can settle out of court, they can come to an amicable arrangement, but the desire to -hurt- the other person often trumps that, and really, I don't give a shit that it cost you thousands to get your rage monster on, you are just a stupid twit falling for the same con that makes lawyers rich.

It's both the financial and emotional costs. Why do people like to add more stresses to their lives? What's the benefit in that?
You got dumped, didn't you? :lol:
I'm not here to tell you, you are a moron.
But...................
lmao! I didn't get dumbed - I don't even have a partner or ever had one. I don't bother with relationships because I already see too many broken relationships. You aren't hurt at all by not getting a partner. Therefore, I save money which is the most important thing in life.
 

shavedape

Well Known GateFan
Clearly many people shouldn't get married until they are mature enough to handle it. That said, there is a little something called "personal liberty" so if anyone of legal age wants to tie the knot that's no skin off of my ass. It's their lives and their money.

I will admit that, when I pause to consider it, I find the corporatization of matrimony to be an indicator of just how ridiculous we have become as a society. It's a gigantic industry now. Seriously gigantic. I think going into debt to the tune of tens of thousands of dollars just to have a glamorous wedding ceremony is moronic. Yet these days young women in particular allow themselves to be brainwashed into thinking that they have to have "their special day" resemble a royal wedding. Hell, there are even shows on how much weddings have become circuses (Bridezillas, etc.). I've even seen craven young women and stupid young men plan these huge wedding day spectacles only to separate six months later. And the kicker is they haven't even finished paying off the wedding expenses. That to me is tragic, but then again, it's also personal liberty in action. Since my ox isn't being gored I pretty much just roll my eyes at it all.

At any rate, it's not about the wedding day, it's about everything that comes after. That's my motto when it comes to tying the knot. And now that we've got marriage equality here in America I just may get to live that motto someday. ;)
 

heisenberg

Earl Grey
Clearly many people shouldn't get married until they are mature enough to handle it. That said, there is a little something called "personal liberty" so if anyone of legal age wants to tie the knot that's no skin off of my ass. It's their lives and their money.

;)
The fact that 50% of relationships fail shows that most people aren't ready to start a relationship but we get pressured by what we see around us. Most people don't think for themselves and are foolish enough to risk it for that short bit of happiness and then royally screwed by your partner because you made one tiny mistake and you are never forgiven for your mistaken.
I will admit that, when I pause to consider it, I find the corporatization of matrimony to be an indicator of just how ridiculous we have become as a society. It's a gigantic industry now. Seriously gigantic. I think going into debt to the tune of tens of thousands of dollars just to have a glamorous wedding ceremony is moronic. Yet these days young women in particular allow themselves to be brainwashed into thinking that they have to have "their special day" resemble a royal wedding. Hell, there are even shows on how much weddings have become circuses (Bridezillas, etc.). I've even seen craven young women and stupid young men plan these huge wedding day spectacles only to separate six months later. And the kicker is they haven't even finished paying off the wedding expenses. That to me is tragic, but then again, it's also personal liberty in action. Since my ox isn't being gored I pretty much just roll my eyes at it all.

At any rate, it's not about the wedding day, it's about everything that comes after. That's my motto when it comes to tying the knot. And now that we've got marriage equality here in America I just may get to live that motto someday.
The thing is though, most people fantasize about that so called perfect stereotypical family you see in the media or on TV but the reality is that relationship is a lot of work and it's based on building years of trust and a lot of hours of dedication just for that small glimpse of happiness and the slightest f*** up can throw the entire relationship apart.They think that everything will turn out okay, but life always love to f*** with you even when you have good intentions.

I just had a friend who broke up with his partner of 6 years recently. He felt miserable and she took his dog away. Both parties were hurt emotionally, but one party will suffer more than the other. It's usually the person who is in the receiving end of the breakup.


I know I sound bitter, and I have probably upset a few people here, but this is the reality of life. It's not fair.
 
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Bluce Ree

Tech Admin / Council Member
Well it is. Look at how much divorce costs people? How much it costs to go court because of it?

It really doesn't cost all that much unless you're cherry picking examples. I divorced with my first wife and we did it amicably and it cost next to nothing. Really bad divorces are not the standard and, even when they do become nasty, it's usually one of the lawyers at fault for instigating.

If, by "cost", you're factoring in division of assets, consider this. Most couples marry early on and succeed as they grow together. Most divorces end up with some sort of financial settlement that is *perceived* to be in the woman's favor. Why shouldn't she get half of what you both built? Even if you did all the work and your spouse was made to sit at home raising the kids, is that deserving any less than half? Those who marry into rich usually do so with a prenup, which is fair. If you're going to pluck someone out of middle class and give them a wealthy lifestyle, it's not fair to dump them back where they came from with nothing more than what they came in with should your relationship end.

Choosing a partner for life has many advantages, not just socially. You spouse is your best friend, the one who ALWAYS has your back, your confidante, your biggest supporter in your efforts and endeavors, someone who will be there with you every step of the way. If you both work, it brings in more resources to enjoy the finer things in life together. It makes a more stable and fulfilling family environment to have two parents when children are involved.

Sometimes people change over the course of time. Sometimes these changes are overwhelming to the other and result in irreconcilable differences. In our modern state of self-empowerment, it often makes the decision process of splitting, when things aren't going well, more easily attainable whereas, in the last century, more people stayed together for the sake of values and convenience and not always for love. There is no crystal ball method of foreseeing how a person will be in 10 years, 20 years, etc. There is no surefire way to divine whether your relationship will, indeed, last forever. Yes, there are ways to improve the odds by using your head but nothing is certain in life and that's what makes life what it is.

Some people remain single their whole lives for various reasons. Some have commitment issues. Some have an incessant need to keep testing the waters to make sure they "still got it" (probably the biggest group of losers on the planet). Some just enjoy being single for the perceived "freedom". Some simply have not found "the one". No one loves being single all the time.

Whatever the reasons are, there is no one-size-fits-all solution. Humans are as diverse as snowflakes.
 

shavedape

Well Known GateFan
It really doesn't cost all that much unless you're cherry picking examples. I divorced with my first wife and we did it amicably and it cost next to nothing. Really bad divorces are not the standard and, even when they do become nasty, it's usually one of the lawyers at fault for instigating.

If, by "cost", you're factoring in division of assets, consider this. Most couples marry early on and succeed as they grow together. Most divorces end up with some sort of financial settlement that is *perceived* to be in the woman's favor. Why shouldn't she get half of what you both built? Even if you did all the work and your spouse was made to sit at home raising the kids, is that deserving any less than half? Those who marry into rich usually do so with a prenup, which is fair. If you're going to pluck someone out of middle class and give them a wealthy lifestyle, it's not fair to dump them back where they came from with nothing more than what they came in with should your relationship end.

Choosing a partner for life has many advantages, not just socially. You spouse is your best friend, the one who ALWAYS has your back, your confidante, your biggest supporter in your efforts and endeavors, someone who will be there with you every step of the way. If you both work, it brings in more resources to enjoy the finer things in life together. It makes a more stable and fulfilling family environment to have two parents when children are involved.

Sometimes people change over the course of time. Sometimes these changes are overwhelming to the other and result in irreconcilable differences. In our modern state of self-empowerment, it often makes the decision process of splitting, when things aren't going well, more easily attainable whereas, in the last century, more people stayed together for the sake of values and convenience and not always for love. There is no crystal ball method of foreseeing how a person will be in 10 years, 20 years, etc. There is no surefire way to divine whether your relationship will, indeed, last forever. Yes, there are ways to improve the odds by using your head but nothing is certain in life and that's what makes life what it is.

Some people remain single their whole lives for various reasons. Some have commitment issues. Some have an incessant need to keep testing the waters to make sure they "still got it" (probably the biggest group of losers on the planet). Some just enjoy being single for the perceived "freedom". Some simply have not found "the one". No one loves being single all the time.

Whatever the reasons are, there is no one-size-fits-all solution. Humans are as diverse as snowflakes.

Wow dude, that was so beautiful that my pantyhose are now moist. Marry me! :icon_lol:

I agree with what you said and would only add that some people who have not found "the one" yet are victims of their own neuroses. Some people set too high a bar to reach for potential partners. They are neurotically fixated on finding this fantasy person that only exists on the movie screen. Personally I believe most people can find a good partner, and not by lowering their expectations but by being realistic about both themselves and other people.

But we're a spoiled culture that is allowed to wallow in grandiose fantasy on a daily basis if we so choose. We hamstring ourselves with delusional beliefs about romance and the perfect partner. Perhaps the worst example of this is a young guy I once met at a party who stated that his turn-off is women who poop. Yes, he effectively ruled out every single woman in the world. He was fine with dating hot chicks until they used his bathroom to defecate. That became the deal breaker for him. :rolleye0014:
 

Rac80

The Belle of the Ball
Why do we marry? i can only speak for myself - due to my moral code I don't beleive in sex outside of marriage (and knowing my luck I would have gotten prego the first time and since I don't beleive in abortion....) and I met this really nice, funny, INTELLIGENT, and good looking man who i really really liked the looks of....and bingo one year later we were married. A year after that we had our snookie (yep honeymoon baby :P so i was right!) and now we are still together. 34 years and counting.

We had some rough years at around our 20th anniversary - it was empty nest time - snookie had left the state for college and we were dealing with his bipolar sister who moved in with us. We were both deciding what each of us wanted out of our lives individually and we weren't sure the other was what we wanted. BUT when push came to shove - mr rac was the man I had laughed with, loved with, fought with, cried with, for 20+ years- he understood me as no other ever would and I knew he would always have my back....so we made the choice to stay together. our marriage is stronger for that rough period I believe.


I admit it's very different now than when we started-- the hormones have settled down; we have the mortgage, jobs, bills, etc... We also still finish each other's sentences, can talk ALL NIGHT long, enjoy one another's company, and know the other is our most dependable ally! We are getting middle-aged now and our concerns are more boring than when we were in our 20's- health is a big issue. mr. rac is a diabetic (genes are such a gift! :P ) and seems to get seriously ill a couple times a year- we both appreciate having someone who can care for us when illness (or surgeries) hit! since our childbearing years are past - those problems (secondary infertility) are also in the past- we have accepted our one perfect child and have moved on. :) I can honestly say i would never want to start over with another spouse- I know all of mr rac's quirks and have learned to cope with them- he tells me often he feels the same. (he also tells others that I have "house broken" him...he never did pee on the carpets :P :rolleyes: ) after all of this time we are finally in a position to travel and see a bit of the world- something we enjoy doing together. He is my best friend and still (and always) the best man I know! ;)


so heisenberg- give it time - I think you will eventually meet someone and realize why people get married. ;)
 
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